Fighting with myself.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never going to keep me down”

Chumbawumba, Tubthumping

I’ve had a couple of bad days this week. Flare ups of poor mental health, which scares and infuriates me as I’d been doing quite well.

It can hit me in two ways and I’ve had both this week. The first is feeling completely overwhelmed by everything, like I can’t do enough and whatever I do is wrong. I feel worthless and useless. I stare into nothing, unable to do anything, while my thoughts tell me how bad I am, that nothing I’ve ever done matters, that I wouldn’t be missed. I interpret anything said to me as a justified criticism. 

The other type is more anxious, terrified of something happening to someone I love, desperately repeating irrational actions to try and keep them safe. This feels as if it has the most physical impact, heart hammering, head thumping, shaking and nauseous. 

What they have in common is that I’m fighting my own catastrophising mind. I know the only person putting pressure on me is me. I’m the only one who expects me to be perfect, to solve everything, to never say no. I’m the one who’ll beat me up and call me names if I get something wrong. I’m the one who doesn’t forgive, and brings up past transgressions as I’m trying to get to sleep. It genuinely feels like a battle, I’m telling myself I’m behaving irrationally, I’m listing all the times everything has been fine, I’m trying to calm myself down, but another bit of me is insisting that this time it will be a disaster. And that bit of me seems to control my body as well as part of my mind. 

It’s exhausting to carry on these arguments with myself. And then there’s the guilt afterwards. Feeling like a failure. I know mental ill health is a real and genuine thing, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like I should be able to stop it, snap out of it, do better. 

As chance would have it I came across two things that helped when I was feeling like a failure today. The first is an article in the Metro When you’re working on your mental health one bad day can make you feel like a failure which ended with something I really needed to hear. 

“Bad stuff will still happen. I’ll still feel sad sometimes…

That doesn’t make me weak, or a failure. It makes me a human that sometimes has to face challenges. And it means I’m making a genuine effort towards getting better.”

Read more: http://metro.co.uk/2017/04/03/when-youre-working-on-your-mental-health-one-bad-day-can-make-you-feel-like-a-failure-6549419/#ixzz4dhujCmOT

The second was a post by the marvellous Mindfump on Dealing With Failure, and the difference between failure as a lack of success and failure as something we are personally. This gave me something to strive towards:

“You can opt out of this cycle, if you follow a strict diet of ‘not giving a shit’ ”

Read more: https://mindfump.com/2017/04/08/dealing-with-failure/

I need to learn to do that. I need to stop caring what the angry dictator that lives in my head is saying. I need to trust myself. Because I am doing better. I’m recognising when downward spirals start happening and seeking help. I’m talking to people, and I’m doing that as soon as I recognise I’m thinking irrationally, rather than when I’m at breaking point. I’m giving myself space to recover. 

I need to acknowledge my progress. I need to breathe and pause and let go of the guilt. 

I need to stop telling myself how many things “I need” to do. 

It’s harder with mental health because I can’t see the progress. Physically I know I’m getting fitter. I can measure my weight, heart rate and blood pressure. It’s not like my brain will drop a dress size as it gets healthier. Which is why it’s so important to keep acknowledging my progress. I will keep on getting up again. 

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